Secret Lover
by blackandblood
Summary: Takuya thinks that Zoe is cheating on him with Kouichi. What is a crazy, rabid brunette to do? Stalks the 'secret couple' with the help of his even crazier friends. Takumi Crack-fic.


**Okay, this is my first attempted crack-fic I don't know just how stupid or crazy it'll turn out, or whether or not it will even deserve to be called a crack-fic in the first place. Just bear with me, and hopefully you at least find it mildly entertaining. Though keep in mind....it is Takumi!!!!!**

**Secret Lover **

"Takuya, I think Zoe's cheating on you."

"WHAAAATTT?!?!"

Seventeen year-old Takuya Kanbara stared at his best friend, Kouji Minamoto, for several seconds, his mouth agape.

Kouji rolled his eyes, taking a bite out of his pizza. "Did you not hear me, stupid? I said, 'I think Zoe's cheating on you'. Maybe you should clean your ears out more often...."

Takuya was hanging out at one of the local pizza joints down the street from his school. Seated at the table with him were his friends Kouji and Tommy Himi. Kouji was nonchalantly eating, as if he had only told Takuya what the weather was like, while Tommy was holding one of the salt shakers upside down. He watched as the white crystals landed on the table, a look of fascination on his face. Meanwhile, J.P. Shibayama, their pleasantly plump friend, was at the front counter, arguing with the man standing behind it.

"This is not what I ordered!" J.P. shouted, slamming his pizza down on the counter. "As retribution, I would like ten free pizzas!"

The man looked as if he was crazy. "I gave you a cheese pizza, as we don't have the type of pizza that you ordered!"

J.P. glared at him. "How do you not have Pocky Pickle Pretzel Pancake Pizza?! That's unheard of from where I'm from!"

"Yeah? And where the hell are you from? Another planet?!" The man cried out.

"Hey!" Takuya randomly yelled out. "Screw J.P.'s pizza crisis! I'm having my own problem here! What's this about Zoe cheating on me?!"

Kouji nodded, taking another bite. "Yep....this sauce is good...."

"Cheating?! With who?!" Takuya screamed so loud, the old woman at the next table fell over in surprise."Who the_ fuck_ is she cheating on me with?! I'll kill the bastard!"

"My brother," Kouji replied. "....This cheese is good, too.... I wonder if it's made from real milk...."

Takuya grabbed Kouji by the collar of his shirt, foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal. "Your brother?! What the hell is _my_ Zoe doing with Kouichi?! MY Zoe! Minez!"

"Beats me," the raven-haired teen replied, taking the napkin holder and hiding it beneath his jacket. "Maybe the hibbity-bibbity."

"What?!" Takuya asked, completely confused.

"I think he means 'sex'. But he decided to use a completely ridiculous term. But that's Kouji for ya, always doing something crazy," Tommy said as he brushed the salt into a straight line on the table. "Be right back. I'm gonna go get a straw."

Takuya stared at the table, dumbfounded. "But...why would Zoe cheat on me? And with Kouichi for that matter? I'm the best-looking son of a bitch you could ever find, I'm highly intelligent, and I'm great in the sack! "

"Too much information," an elderly man muttered, turning off his hearing aid.

Kouji shrugged again. "Well, think about it. She's not here....and neither is Kouichi. Put two and two together, stupid."

"I can't believe it...." Takuya's voice trailed off. "The cheating bitch....."

"I WANT MY POCKY PICKLE PRETZEL PANCAKE PIZZA AND I WANT IT NOW!!!" J.P. yelled out, his skin suddenly turning green.

The man behind the counter frantically picked up a telephone. "Hello?! 911?! I've got an emergency!"

"J.P. HUNGRY! J.P. WANT SPECIAL PIZZA!" The hefty teenager yelled as he grew in size.

Tommy returned to the table a second later, holding two straws in his hand. "This one is my salt straw....and this one is my special friend straw...I'll call him Bill...."

While screaming patrons booked it out of the building due to J.P.'s Hulk-like transformation, Takuya and the others simply sat at their table. Kouji was now stuffing the pepper shaker beneath his coat, while Tommy stuck one straw in his nose. He lowered the other end of it to the table where the salt line was. Takuya was devising a scheme to catch Zoe and Kouichi in the act, red-handed.

"I'm devising a scheme to catch Zoe and Kouichi in the act, red-handed!" He shouted out triumphantly, as if he hadn't noticed the author's description of what he was doing. "Yes! I will catch them doing...whatever it is that they are doing! And then, I'm going to kick Kouichi's ass and beat him to death with a shovel!"

Kouji shrugged yet again. "Whatever. I can have all of his stuff if he's dead. Including his stuffed animals... He has a talking stuffed animal named Kero...I think I overhead them talking one time. Kero said something crazy like capturing the Clow Cards, whatever the hell those are...."

He tried to stuff the salt-shaker under his coat, only for his hand to be slapped away by a salted-out Tommy. Tommy blinked rapidly as he wiped the excess crystals out of his nostril.

"Damn! Thaz the shiznit!" He exclaimed.

J.P. had found his way to the kitchen of the pizza joint, now eating everything in sight. By now, the building was empty and the cops were on their way with a large taser and strait-jacket. The J.P. Hulk ate a pepperoni pizza, followed by the cardboard box that had been holding the pizza.

"Well, let's get going so that I can get my woman back!" Takuya yelled, not knowing how to speak in a quieter voice. "Come on, J.P.! I'll buy you some candy if you leave with us!"

J.P. clapped and smiled like a buffoon. "J.P. like candy! And chocolate! J.P._ loves_ chocolate!"

Tommy stumbled out behind them, now gluing googly-eyes to his special straw friend, Bill. Kouji trailed after Tommy, looking around with shifty eyes. He then grabbed hold of a chair, hid it on his back beneath his jacket, and ran out of the building like a deformed hunchback. He was now in pursuit of a table in the shape of a bell.

_Later at the mall_

"There they are!" Takuya yelled loud enough to wake the dead.

The idiotic brunette had somehow managed to climb up to a giant, plastic rocketship that was hanging from the ceiling. Without a ladder or a jetpack, it was unclear of how he got there. However, a witness, who we will keep anonymous due to safety reasons, claimed that he saw Takuya getting bit by a radioactive spider only a few minutes ago.

"Reah!" A shadowed figure who sounded strangely like Scooby-Doo cried out. "A radioractive rider!"

"Takuya, get your dumb ass off that rocketship!" Kouji shouted.

"Okay!" Takuya swung off of the plastic decoration, slamming into a wall in the process.

He crashed to the floor and looked over the railing to the lower floor just in time to see Kouichi and Zoe entering a store. It is only a store because the author decided not to say what type of store it was, due to her laziness.

"They're going into that store!" Takuya yelled. "After them!"

The brunette grabbed four leashes from a nearby pet store, tying them around his friends' necks. He then began to drag them along, causing them to crash into and trip many other idiots hanging out in the mall that day.

"Look, Bill! A game store!" Tommy said to his googly-eyed straw friend. "We can get a game later on as an anniversary gift! We've been friends for nearly an hour so we'll celebrate!"

J.P. grabbed onto a nearby pretzel stand, dragging the entire wheeled cart with him. He began to devour the pretzels, then started to eat the wooden stand itself. While Kouji was pulled along by the rabid moron known as Takuya, he stole a display stand full of razor blades. He crammed the entire display under his coat, hiding it amongst everything else he had stolen that day.

"Okay, we're here!" Takuya said happily, dragging everyone inside the store that Kouichi and Zoe had entered. "Now find them!"

He let go of everyone's leashes, running off in pursuit of 'the cheaters'. While running past an aisle full of golf clubs, he grabbed a club and swung it around as if he was a ninja master. Unfortunately, he accidently lost his grip on the nine iron, hitting an old woman right off her motorized scooter.

"Oh, shit!" Takuya took off down through the store, though not before grabbing a new golf club to work with. "I have no knowledge of that old woman getting hit in the head with that golf club! No knowledge whatsoever!"

He ran throughout the large, Wal-Mart-like store. And, like almost everyone else who goes into Wal-Mart, he stole several items as he navigated his way through the store. He now had the privilege of going home with a can of shaving cream, a bag of cough drops, a packet of baby wipes, a box of crayons, and a book entitled "Getting Intimate With Your Lover For Dummies". All of it was free, of course.

Suddenly, he crashed into the unsuspecting 'couple'. Kouichi flew into a coat rack, somehow ending up in a strange portal.

"Holy shit!" Kouichi cried out. "Where the hell am I?"

A small goatman ran up to him, holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other. "Welcome to Narnia! Where the booze is free and the cigars are NOT filled with tobacco!"

"Oh, what the hell....." Kouichi sank to the ground, looking for the portal. "Stupid thing has to be around somewhere...."

_Meanwhile_

"Zoe! What is the meaning of this?!" Takuya yelled out.

"I'm behind you, you knucklehead!" The blond angrily shouted at her boyfriend.

Takuya spun around to see Zoe standing there, a pissed off look on her face. She was holding an Xbox 360 game system in her arms, causing Takuya to gape at her in shock.

"You bought Kouichi an Xbox 360?! You know that I've wanted one of those for months but you said that they were too expensive," Takuya accused her. "But of course you bought one for your 'replacement' boyfriend!"

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "Replacement? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't try acting all innocent!" Takuya dramatically threw his arms up, accidentally hitting the same old woman from earlier. "You and Kouichi have been screwing around behind my back!"

"Yeah? And where did you hear this bit of news?" Zoe snapped. "Fill me in, why don't you?"

Takuya snorted. "As if you don't know, cheater! Kouji told me!"

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Oh, are you kidding me?! Kouji? No offense, but he's not the most reliable person to get information from."

"Oh, really? Then how did he know that you were going behind my back and going out with his brother?" Takuya challenged.

"Kouichi and I aren't dating, Takuya! This is all a big misunderstanding!" Zoe slapped her forehead, wanting to strangle both Takuya and Kouji.

Takuya scoffed. "Oh, really? Then explain! Because with the way you have been sneaking around with Kouichi, it seems like he's your secret lover!"

"Kouichi is my shopping buddy! Not my secret lover!" Zoe exclamied.

"Shopping buddy?" Takuya asked, clearly puzzled. "What's a shopping buddy?"

"A friend to go shopping with," Zoe said, pointing out the obvious. "He comes along with me when I go shopping to help me pick things out and to help me carry everything."

Takuya stared at her, still not understanding. "I'm still not getting what you're trying to tell me."

J.P. suddenly ran by them, in his Hulk-like form. He was carrying a large, plastic donut in one hand and a donut vendor in his other.

"Why donut made of hard stuff?!" He demanded, dangling the donut vendor upside down over a Samurai sword display.

"Aaaah! Somebody help me!" The man cried out, flailing around.

As security rushed over to zap J.P. with a taser, Kouji snuck by to steal the plastic donut. He hid it under his coat and began to crawl away, only to be dragged back into the open by an angry blond.

"Why did you tell Takuya that I was screwing around with your brother?!" She demanded, grabbing one of the swords.

"Holy shit! Takuya, your crazy girlfriend is gonna kill me!" Kouji cried out, hiding behind his brown-haired friend.

Zoe took a threatening step forward. "Damn right I am. I haven't been cheating on Takuya, and I certainly wouldn't have cheated on him with Kouichi!"

"She said that Kouichi is her shopping buddy," Takuya informed Kouji.

Kouji raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that when a girl goes shopping with her gay friend?"

"Kouichi is gay?!" Takuya cried out, his chocolate-colored eyes widening. "Oh, my god! We've been in the same locker room as him!"

Zoe groaned and hit them both over the head with the flat side of the sword. "You idiots! He's not gay! He just helps me out when I need him. God knows that none of you guys will help me go shopping."

"What's with the Xbox 360?" Kouji asked her. "A present for my brother? Even knowing that poor Takuya has wanted one for months now, you got if for my psychotic brother?"

"It's Takuya's birthday present!" Zoe yelled. "I wanted it to be a surprise, so thanks for ruining everything! I hope you're both happy with yourselves. I'm going home! And happy friggen birthday, Takuya!"

She shoved the game system into the brunette's arms, before storming off angrily. Takuya stood there for several seconds, dumbfounded.

"Shit....I made a horrible mistake," he said, watching as Zoe left the store.

"Dude! You got and Xbox 360! What else could you want?" Kouji asked.

Takuya sighed. "My girlfriend. I'm going after her."

He took off, leaving Kouji behind. To Kouji's annoyance, he had taken the Xbox 360 with him, destroying Kouji's chances of stealing it. However, he glanced over at the Samurai sword collection, eying the glimmering blades. While security was still in the process of restraining J.P., Kouji quickly grabbed several of the swords, hiding them beneath his coat.

"Ow! It cut me!" He exclaimed as one pierced through his skin. "But....it felt so good! I'm getting more of these!"

J.P. flung a security guard into a wall, then climbed on top of a plastic Empire State Building model. There were kids nearby, playing with their remote-controlled toy airplanes. They immediately steered the plastic aircrafts into the hulking, green teenager. J.P. grabbed one of the planes, hungrily stuffing it into his mouth and chewing it up.

Tommy walked by the insane spectacle, raising an eyebrow. "Damn, Bill. It's a good thing that we're not crazy like that... Now let's go make some dinner reservations! And we'll make sure that wherever we go, the place has plenty of salt shakers!"

He jiggled the straw, letting its googly-eyes wobble up and down. Tommy smiled at Bill, hugging him close. He then skipped merrily to the nearest salt-loaded restaurant.

_Meanwhile_

"Dammit...where is that portal?" Kouichi grumbled, looking around everywhere to get out of the dreaded Narnia.

"Portal? What portal?" The goatman asked, taking a drag from his cigar. "I didn't know we had any portals."

Kouichi rolled his eyes and groaned. "Well, I got here somehow. So there should be a way out. Only problem is to where...."

"I'm Dennis by the way," the goatman told him. "Dennis the goatman...."

"Good for you," the short-haired twin said. "Damn! How do I get back to where I came from?!"

Dennis nodded to a giant mushroom. "Ask the smoking caterpillar. He's very smart."

"Oh, good!" Kouichi ran off in pursuit of the caterpillar, only to be halted by Dennis.

"Unfortunately, he is very bad with directions. So he'll be able to tell you _how_ to get home, but not _where_ to go," the goatman said.

Kouichi cried out in dismay, slamming his head down into the dirt. He suddenly fell through a portal, landing on top of a hulking green figure.

"Aaaah! It's the Incredible Hulk!" Kouichi screamed. "Oh...wait a minute.... Nah, it's only J.P."

J.P. reverted back to normal, only to be thrown into a strait-jacket and restraint mask. Kouichi shrugged nonchalantly, before wandering down the aisles of the store.

"Now where is my shopping buddy?"

_Outside the mall_

"Zoe! Wait up!" Takuya yelled out.

The blond ignored him, continuing her way through the parking lot. She was practically running by now. Takuya put the Xbox 360 onto the ground and sprinted after her, knowing that she was much more important to him than the game system...no matter how nice it was....

"Please, Zoe! I'm sorry!" He called out, trying to catch up to her.

"Just leave me alone!" Zoe snapped, running as fast as she could.

Takuya smirked. "You can't outrun me! You could never outr-"

Just then, he was plowed over by the same woman from earlier; the one on the motorized scooter. The woman began to beat him with a golf club, using the same one that had hit her in the head.

"You little hooligan! Who the heck do you think you are?!" She squawked.

"Ow! Ow! Lady, stop hitting-Ow! Me!" Takuya shouted, trying to cover himself.

The old lady raised the nine iron over her head, ready to bash it over his. "I will after this hit!"

However, before she could, she was tackled off her scooter by Zoe, who had run over to help.

"Leave my boyfriend alone, you miserable, old bitch! I don't know what he did to you, but whatever it was, I'm sure that it wasn't all that bad!" Zoe yelled, punching the woman in the face.

"Yeah, Zoe! Kick her ass!" Takuya cried out, jumping up and down.

Zoe was almost hit in the head with the golf club, ducking at the very last second. She then grabbed the old woman and hurled her into an oncoming ice cream truck. The driver did not seem to really care about the old lady stuck on his windshield, only putting on his windshield wipers to get her off.

"Damn, that was awesome!" The brunette exclaimed.

Zoe smirked. "Yup. No one beats my boyfriend up with a golf club, no matter how much of an idiot he may be."

"Do you forgive me?" Takuya asked, holding his arms out for a hug.

"I guess," the blond replied, letting him pull her into an embrace. "Just next time you suspect me of doing something, come to _me_ and talk to _me _about it? Don't ask Kouji.....Only bad things will happen..."

Takuya shrugged. "Eh, fair enough. Want some ice cream? That ice cream truck driver had to pull over to scrape s human-sized bug that strangely resembles an old woman off his windshield."

"Sure," Zoe told him. "Just grab that Xbox 360. I paid good money for that."

"Okay," he replied, running over to where he had left it. "Hey....where'd it go?"

He barely noticed Kouji trying to slink away into the shadows, concealing the gaming system under his coat.

"Kouji! I'm gonna kill you!" Takuya yelled out, running over to the bandana-wearing teen.

"Oh, shit!" Kouji cried out, running away from an angry Takuya.

Zoe joined her boyfriend in the chase, as she did not just spend a ton of money on it, only for an angsty emo kid to steal it. J.P. was thrown into a large white van with bars over the back windows, clad in his restraint suit. However, he managed to bite off one of the bars and eat it while the truck drove away. He then managed to eat the door and escape, unnoticed.

Kouichi left the mall with a with a new phone, the first call somehow coming from Dennis the goatman. He immediately blocked Dennis's number, only to be called by the goatman from a different number. Apparently in Narnia, everyone with a cell phone had phone numbers that changed with each phone call they made. So no matter how many times he blocked Dennis's number, the wretched little bastard still managed to call him.

Tommy had run to the nearest restaurant with Bill, the straw. The boy snorted three lines of salt, though police mistook him for snorting coke and arrested him. Bill had to bail him out.

Everyone lived dysfunctionally ever after, and the dish ran away with the spoon to elope and escape from the spoon's ex boyfriend, Fork. Life was good.

**Alright, that is the end of my completely stupid crackfic. I hope you found it to be somewhat amusing ^_^ Flames are expected, just to let everyone know. Was I on crack when I wrote this? I'll never tell.... Well, maybe I'll write another crackfic in the future, so let's see how motivated I get.**


End file.
